Israel has been involved in over a year of war, the likes of which our young country has never experienced before. Reserve soldiers are already on their third service round with no end in sight. How do soldiers manage to constantly pass between going to the front lines for months at a time and being at home, only to repeat again? How do family members deal with their prolonged absence, followed by their renewed presence and routine life?
Constant fighting leaves soldiers highly alert and stressed. The energy required to go back to routine life and relative quiet are at complete contradiction to reserves duty. How does the body understand that imminent danger has passed when it is at home after months at war?
Furthermore – how does our survival instinct react when there is so much mourning, depression and sadness around us? How does our vitality react when it is in constant contact with death? Simply “getting by” for such long periods of time can either cause one to want to live life to its fullest, or feelings of guilt at the notion of being happy and enjoying life.
Managing Sexuality
In many cases, the body and mind don’t necessarily collaborate with the notion of “back to routine life”. Sexuality between couples, for example, has suffered greatly in this period. The constant emotional ups and downs make it difficult to feel “in the mood” for sex. Memories or war-related thoughts can come up during sex – it is difficult to continue and concentrate on the sexual act itself when these thoughts come up, and this manifests by having difficulty reaching an orgasm or inability to keep an erection.
This doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship, or that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore. It is important to talk about it and communicate what is going on in our heads – compassion and patience towards ourselves and our partners are key.
Managing Family Life
Managing family life while under constant security threats is increasingly difficult, especially when daily life is so unpredictable and there is no clear end to the war on the horizon. The feeling of “home” for many evacuees from the north and the south feels out of reach – many of them have moved between hotels and houses on multiple occasions. This is a huge challenge for parents and children alike. The need to lead somewhat normal and routine lives can cause parents to often be impatient and distant, and exhibit bursts of anger and disproportionate reactions. Many families’ resilience has been put to test.
Children need secure and continuous connection with their parents and caregivers. Conversations with children in which parents explain and take responsibility for their anger or distance, while examining what the children need, what calms them down, what is going through their head and how they grasp what is going on – are incredibly important. Understanding, acceptance, empathy and compassion are critical.
Parents that are in distress must find a balance between their personal needs and their children’s needs. Parents need to ask themselves what they need to be able to balance their emotions and function when they are having a difficult time. Through conversations parents can find a common ground that connects children with their parents. It is possible to create a lighter and more playful energy between children and their parents.
Transition From Trauma to Post Trauma
After a year of fighting, trauma will inevitably turn into post-traumatic stress disorder for a small percentage of reserve soldiers. As the months go by the body’s reaction to the fighting can gradually calm or improve or worsen. Is the general mood worse? Are flashbacks of the fighting as strong as they were? Do they get in the way of your day-to-day life? Are outbursts of anger still happening frequently? Do you disconnect and check out? If the symptoms are worse – it is wise to get help from a mental health professional as soon as possible.
Recommendations for Dealing with the Continuing Conflict:
- Interpersonal communication is a powerful tool, helping us share what we are experiencing and feeling. Sharing what is going on helps us avoid acting out and creating misunderstanding and confusion. By communicating, we can avoid feeling alone with our difficult experiences and can create a more intimate environment of understanding, patience, and empathy.
- The Imago Dialogue is a wonderful tool for intimate connection, helping partners “bridge the gap” to each other’s world and understand them on a deeper level. Read more about the I on the website.
- We must remember that different people react or deal with difficult situations in different ways – even children. Don’t expect or demand that there be synchronization or similarities. Respecting your differences will help with accepting them.
- Skin-to-skin contact, such as a hug, can work wonders on our feelings of security and emotional calm. A perfect example is how human touch calms newborns. Human touch releases endorphins and oxytocin, which lower anxiety and stress and induce feelings of proximity and security, while reducing the secretion of the “stress hormone” cortisol. Touch lowers our feelings of emotional and physical distress. Children who receive hugs from their parents mostly feel that they are loved and cared for, that they are important, which can reduce their stress levels. Moving from side to side during the hug can increase the connection. Nevertheless, one should always ask permission while offering a hug.
- If you experience difficulties in your sexual lives, you should remember that intimacy is just as important as “performing”. It is important to avoid thinking that something is wrong with your relationship, or that your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore.
- We should all remember that during this year we have experienced many emotional ups and downs. Approaching these ups and downs with compassion, patience, and empathy is critical – both toward ourselves and toward our partners. If one of you doesn't want to share how you are feeling at the moment or talk about your experiences at war, respect that. Sometimes discussing details brings back feelings we are trying to avoid.
- Try to become aware of what helps you calm down when you are stressed and be compassionate towards yourselves and your partners. Try not to demand things from yourself or your partner, and if one of you needs space, respect that without getting offended or thinking that your partner doesn’t want to be with you.
- Try not to be glued to the news or your phone screens while together with your partner at home – they keep you alert, nervous and stressed. Try to dedicate the time to each other. It is important to brainstorm how to bring in a bit of playfulness and a lighter atmosphere into your time together – and try to create hope and optimism, even if very slight.
Written by Leora Grunhaus MSW, a seasoned couples and family therapist, and specialist in Imago therapy